Pain

This might set the belief that I am strange for many, but so what. I am the only one who hates what they have become? I know I a little weird but am I alone on this? The images that run through my head from time to time makes me wish that I had been born blind. Think of the pluses to not being able to see. All of the pornography that still floats through the mind never to be completely sponged clean. All of the things I saw done that I wish I had never seen . The people that I have thought ill of just from what they looked like. They looked to fat, skinny, black, yellow or were "gay looking" ( What the hell is gay looking anyway? ). To be able to judge people with one less film covering my perception. The external seems to cloud the internal way to much for me. If someone is fat then they are some what less of a person. Why is that? I don't know. But I do know that it isn't true. I could blame the media but that would be a cop out wouldn't it. I am trying to teach my kids that you can't blame your short comings on the your sibling. If they aren't doing what they should be doing that doesn't mean you don't have to do what you know you should. The same applies here doesn't it??? Or am I guilty of over simplifying things?
Other times I wonder if I might have been better off being crippled. Sounds stupid, but along the line as the being blind it works. If I had been born never to walk I might not have been such a bully in high school. If I hadn't been able to walk there would not have been the opportunity to push others around. All of that garbage that I did I might not have done no more black festering sores in my mind that slowly build till they pop and I re-live what an ass hole I could be. To never have height be an issue. Not the issue that people have with my height but the issue that I have with others height. Being tall can be a blessing and a curse folks. People never really fight back when you are the previous mentioned ass hole. But also you base your worth on your height when you see some one else taller then you your self worth takes a dive.
Being born mute that would truly have been a blessing. Never to speak a hateful word. Think of that never once to call someone a name in hate. Never to say something that would come back to bite me in the ass. Things that I have said to people that I knew was going to hurt them but I said it anyway.( I really wish that I had some quirky thing to say right now to lighten the mood but I don't. ) The hurtful things that I have said to my kids still cuts me deep laying my open for the ravens of despair to feed my soul. Thins that I have said to others 20 yr or more ago that I still remember that I can't forget. Things that I can not forgive my self for saying. A slow creeping poison that eats away at my soul.
To have been born mentally delayed not to be so "quick witted" . All of the stupid hurtful things I was so smart to say. All of the grudges that I have held because of what I have heard some one say. To have just a small portion of the brain to be under developed so that things that were said would fly past me and not ever having a foot hold in my blasted mind. Being able to forgive as the simple minded dog does. Freely, willingly, openly and never holding back.Getting kicked and turning around not holding it with hate. This amazing brain we have that makes us as humans so great yet also so weak.
The blackened remains of my self-worth that marks me as worthless for my days has moved me in directions that I should have never gone. Satanism, Occult works, Stealing, Destroying others property just for sake of doing bad. What kind of person does these types of things. Unfortunately the person that writes this is that very person. I know that many will not agree but I know that when you freely pass out hate and judgement you will be dealt that much and more. For all the sins I have committed. All the hate I have so freely passed out. All the pain that I have given to all around me. I have paid the price many times over for that which I have done. I have felt the fires of remorse, and yet it still never completely burns the slate clean.
For those of you who have read this to this point I thank you and say that what you do today will build you up or haunt you forever. Choose what you do carefully the pain that it brings to other will send shock waves back to you forever. Shock waves that you can not ever block on your own.

FOR ANY AND ALL THAT I HAVE HURT OR WRONGED IN THE PAST I AM SORRY. THAT IN IT SELF IS NOT ENOUGH FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE DONE TO YOU BUT KNOW THAT I FEEL THE HURT I DEALT TO YOU TO THIS DAY.
RAYMOND A. THORNTON